head cold & a meltdown

well, just when i thought i'd had enough, i learned that a friend from college, who lived right near here in springfield and was on facebook almost every day, had suddenly died. i would write about it here but so far as i know the results of the autopsy either aren't in or they haven't been made public - in any case our mutual friends (who were closer to her than i was) haven't learned anything new & it would be unseemly, i think, for me to go on about it here. in any case the mountain of crap i was trying to face suddenly became pretty much un-faceable.

so i came down with a cold just in time for the big party saturday night. if you did not glean the pertinent info from my previous post, here it is:

saturday night. 6pm-midnight. WWII club on conz st. 7 year anniversary of the freedom center. dance party. glow bracelets. LED hooping & poi performances.

well in light of my head cold and all the recent stress i am feeling pretty dubious about performing at this party and am considering bailing on it and just letting kevin & purple do their thing. who is purple, you may ask? well this is purple:



it's not just a lot of stress and a head cold though. at this point i think i am having a psychic meltdown. if i'm in a room with more than one person they might as well be speaking chinese - i have no idea what's going on. i can't hoop. i can't do anything. i'm suffering a major creative block. i'm having bizarre nightmares almost every night. i don't know how to handle social situations and have lost all sense of tact (not sure i ever had any to begin with though.) the only thing that's made me smile in earnest in the past few days is that my secret e-stalker from CA has decided to reappear, after dropping off the face of the earth for several years. we "met" online while i was in the process of leaving my husband in petaluma, CA for a 3-month stint as a homeless person. we chatted incessantly until right before x-mas, when he disappeared, leaving me with a big gaping hole in my chest. i eventually got over it. fell in love with an in-person boy & had a 4-month-long romantic interlude which ended when i had a mental meltdown in april. right around then this mystery chat-man reappeared & came to town for one night. we met. say no more. then he disappeared again. once a year or so he'd reappear & maybe drop me a note somewhere. now i'm having another meltdown and here he is, out from the ether, saying sweet things that make me feel good when somehow nothing else can or will. thank you, S.J. my heart is a little warmer for your re-appearance.

p.s. it's either a good thing or a crying shame that i already know it would be useless to check myself into the hospital. they can do nothing for me. there's only one thing that can help me now, i believe, and that's LESS PRESSURE. and the onus is on me to create this less-pressure situation because i'm the one who keeps saying "yes" to things i really want to do but which i obviously can't find time for. and "yes" to people i really want to hang out with but who keep me up too late & make me get sick, thereby contributing to my never-ending cycle of not-finishing-anything and feeling more and more stressed. but people and creative projects have always been more important to me than anything else, so what's a girl to do, i ask you? i seriously don't know.