smile, schmile

i wonder what people think of me. i have a feeling that it's way off. i know i need to learn to smile more. ever since i was a little kid people have been telling me to SMILE!!! and now when i see pictures of myself hooping i look so goddam serious it's ridiculous, i see that i really need to get into the practice of smiling on a regular basis. maybe there's something wrong with my face and i just look worse than other people when i'm not smiling. maybe when i'm not smiling i look judgmental, or aloof, or standoffish, or just plain grumpy. when the truth of the matter is i'm none of those things, i'm just a shy person who sometimes is just feeling neutral about life and doesn't have anything in particular to smile about. i am trying to keep more smiley thoughts in the front of my brain. like all the things i have to be grateful for. that's a long list. should i start rattling things off? living downtown, getting along with my mom, hooping, the vegan bus collective, my friends, my lack of foes, my bicycle, my imac, my wacom pen tablet, getting along with my sister, and so on. there are many many more things i could list but it would get boring for you, dear reader.

onto another subject entirely: i have this idea that my hairdo, i.e. my faux dreaded head, has special powers and that i am a different person with this 'do. i am stronger and happier and lighter and hotter and all sorts of good things... and so i rue the day when i have to have these dreads taken out and revert to my regular hair. i will become a regular person again. gone will be my special powers!!! and this day is coming soon. the dreads are becoming a pain to manage and also i am going to get my motorcycle fixed and i know my helmet won't fit over the dreads, so i have to have them taken out. i am going to try to keep them in through october 6 when megan has her party at her dad's house, and after that i'll take them out and then get a haircut at firefly. not to have my hair cut shorter but to have it cut better so that it is not dreadful. but i have to find a way to keep the special powers, i don't want to lose them!!! i have all sorts of confidence right now and people look at me differently than they would normally (because there's hot pink in my hair) which i like, and i need to come to terms with not turning heads in a couple weeks. well now my hair is starting to look really ratty if you look at it up close so it's not really so nice, but it still contains magical powers! how is that possible? i went to get a new drivers license today so i could have a new picture and i was able to produce a great big smile which i never could have come up with under my ordinary hair circumstances. oh, i fear that this dilemma is going to require me to sit and meditate and ask the universe for an answer and i have to tell you i loathe meditation. but i don't know any other way. i know looking from the outside in that it's obvious, the power is within me and it's not in my hair. but it's the logical me who knows that and not the me who operates out in the world or the me who writes this blog. i think the next time i get a pounding headache it will be the logical me whacking me upside the head with this completely obvious information, trying to get it through my thick skull. is it gonna work? tune in after october 6 to find out.