general update

why have i not been here since march 31? it's sometimes difficult to write when life is really fucking depressing. so i guess that's why. and yet i wish i'd been writing since so much has happened and everything in my world seems to have changed in the last few months. for a while, the upheaval was more than i could take. and i just couldn't take it. now i'm through the worst of it and can look back and say i am better for all of it... and what felt like a lot of loss for a while was probably just what was necessary to make room for positive change.

for starters, i've been weaning myself off my psych meds for some time. each step of the way has provided enormous new challenges... not the least of which was managing to get along with other people. specifically, there were people in my life who were not necessarily healthy for me but because i loved them i was putting up with some pretty negative stuff. i had the buffer of medications to protect me. without the meds, i found myself becoming a bit more intolerant. and for a while it seemed like things were just exploding all around me.

one of my friends went off the edge himself and although i had been trying to help him for a long time and he had also been helping me, there came a point when i could not tolerate having him in my life. the tipping point came when his anger became directed specifically at women and jews, and also specifically toward me (among others.) at that point i had to have him out of my life. he'd been staying at my apartment much of the time but after that he was no longer welcome. in his absence there was left a major void. i grieved this loss.

a week later, i had a falling out with another one of my best friends. it was a time when i needed him and his friendship the most, but he is a very sensitive person and as i awoke to the myriad ways in which he had been taking advantage of me, i began opening my mouth about it. this he couldn't take, and he withdrew from me. i knew that a real friend would not desert me in my time of crisis... i'd said some things that hurt his feelings but i'd apologized profusely and had explained the reasons behind my statements. he knew i was having a really hard time coming off meds, and he knew i'd just lost this other friend. and i'd never been intentionally mean toward him... my hurtful comments had been nothing more than my interpretation of the truth of our relationship. he never explained to me what exactly he was so upset about so i was left guessing. by the time he came out of his withdrawal from me and called me, i was hurt enough that i was not capable of talking to him. now time has gone by (a month and a half, perhaps) and we still haven't spoken. we have agreed (via email & less than a minute on the phone) that it's necessary to meet and talk, but i do not know if this friendship can be repaired or if i even want it to be.

the upshot of this is that i stopped working on this guy's movie. which had been my focus all year. it's been almost a year since we first met and decided to create "art" together. so i was down two friends and one big project. and suffering through med withdrawals without the supports i'd grown used to. i had one person left in my life with whom i'd been hanging out pretty regularly... and thank goodness he did not go AWOL on me. he is still my friend and he's the most sensible and humane of the bunch, so i am very grateful. (if you wonder why i don't mention any close female friends, well, i wonder why i don't seem to have any.)

i am also very grateful for the presence of the freedom center, of which i've been a member since i moved back east and to which i turned for support during this time of upheaval. their new publication, the harm reduction guide to coming off psychiatric drugs was my bible during my period of med withdrawal (which doctors never tell you about!!! i mean they are good at getting people onto drugs but pretty useless when it comes to getting off of them) i started taking advantage of the free yoga, acupuncture, and support group. thanks to getting off most of my meds, i was able to focus my brain enough & maintain interest for long enough that i could actually read again for the first time in a long time... so i read this guide, and i read other books and caught up on news and began to feel more engaged with the world in general.

now, i am feeling a lot healthier and mentally stable than i've felt in a long time. i'm not sure what to attribute it to because i've been pursuing a number of alternative therapies at once. besides doing yoga and acupuncture, i've been taking SAM-e, a rather expensive supplement that helps with depression but seems to have no side effects. i'm also drinking apple cider vinegar in water several times a day, taking cold showers, and "oil pulling" (google it! it's interesting!) thanks to the nicer weather i've been able to get out & about more and be more active, after a long, long winter of sedentary computer work (photoshop stuff, working on that movie.)

so i'm not working on that movie and i don't know if i'll be going back to it or not... because my "friend" manipulated me into working for him for free with ever-more evasive promises of payment somewhere down the line. he'd have to pay me some serious dough to get me back on the project and i'm not sure he wants to. and without money, it's not a project worth investing myself in when i could be making my own movie. which i am planning to do. but i'm not going to talk about that openly since it's top-secret.

meanwhile, back to the greater reality... i have money problems which mirror those of most americans nowadays, as things become ever-more expensive (especially food!!! including organic, locally-grown food, which i always try to buy.) but this is nothing compared to the peril facing our planet as a whole. it's really hard to be an optimist in this day and age. i don't know what i'd do if i didn't have regular contact with other informed, intelligent people who can see the disaster we've created for ourselves. i'm thrilled that obama is going to be the democratic presidential candidate, but i believe the crises we face will not and cannot be solved simply by putting the right man in office. he's not even the right man... kucinich was the right man. kucinich has been the right man for a long time but he didn't have a shot because of the way the system is rigged. i don't even know if obama has a shot. even if he wins, how much of a difference is it really going to make?

i will leave you with this:

an epidemic of extinctions: decimation of life on earth

and the next time i write, i may talk about my more minor adventures and if i manage to write regularly again, i'll talk about other things in the life that catch my attention, like the horror of john mccain's shameless pandering on the daily show last week. dwight shrute for VP? some brilliant political strategist thought that one up and what really scares me is the fact that such "humor" might actually be effective and get that maniac "elected" to office. or i might have to bitch & moan about the hideous hilton "garden inn" that's managed to push past the lawsuits & is slated to get built right across the street from me sometime really soon, to be viewed right out my window. or i might go into my deliberations re: whether or not to join the vegan bus again for another trip to burning man, and whether or not to break the bad news to the crew that veggie waste oil is not the future.